Fun with siatica.

Ha got you! There is no fun with siatica. Now siatica for those of you that don’t know is usually cased by a buldging disc in your back pushing on the siatic nerve in your lower back (can be other causes) which is a pain in the back and a most intense pain down your leg. Now if you got the lite version it will disappear in 2 weeks. You lucky b’stard. Otherwise you find yourself inside a MRI getting a spinal scan. The technician will then look at the scan in shock and ask loads of times if you alright. Then refuse to indicate the results to you but cheerfully say a specialist will contact you within 2 weeks.

5 weeks later you still won’t have been contacted and when you attempt to ring the hospital about the results your get a powerless receptionist telling you they haven’t looked at the results yet. Well that’s Ashford and St Peters hospital. Should of checked the Google reviews, its a horror hospital.

Anyhow, so you have bad siatica and want to know what fun you can have…

Sex: Even if you get the slightest bit randy the pain any movement causes will kill that thought.

Pain relief: If pain relief works for you, you don’t have real siatica! Anti inflammatory medication is thrown at you first. If you don’t get nausea and tummy cramps, your find they are about as much help as an ashtray on a motorbike. Next comes the nerve medication that was originally developed for depression. Its rubbish at curing depression and worse at helping nerve pain. What does help loads though is hemp!

Exercise: The hobble to the toilet and the screams of pain is all the exercise you will need.

Physiotherapy: Oh enjoy it! If the stretches hurt don’t do them they say. Trouble is they all fucking hurt! You get links to videos some nimble yoga guru doing “simple” stretches that you won’t be able to attempt even on a good day. Let alone a day when your leg feels like rats are chewing their way out from the inside.

Rest: Yup get some rest, now try and find a position you can sleep in without pain. No matter how you position yourself in bed, bent legs, straight legs, legs propped on pillows, one leg on the bed the other off, on your front, on your back on your side. If you get more than 10mins of uninterrupted sleep then you have found heaven.

Walking: It’s good for siatica they say. If you can walk, hell you haven’t got real siatica. The fear of walking is a sweaty mess of panic of where do I need to get too and where can I stop along the route. Stairs for example turn you into a blob that slithers up one step at a time. Usually on all fours pulling that bad leg behind you like a bloody stump, something like a wounded combatant from a Hollywood movie. Screaming fruity words with every step closer to the summit.

What’s siatica? Seriously you will need to explain this to people again and again. I got my bout of siatica from a work related injury. My boss put on the reason off sick as Sore Neck. No seriously he did, lucky HR understood what siatica was.

Ice: Your best friend will live in your freezer, you will be grabbing the biggest pack of frozen corn and using it as an ice pack on your leg. Infact your order the largest pack from the grocers home delivery service. No make that 2 packs, one can then be on your leg while the other is freezing ready for a swap over faster than an F1 team doing a tyre change.

Sneezing & Coughing: Don’t, do everything you can to not. Suck on cough sweets until your sick of them, hold a finger under your nose to stop sneezing. If you fail I find screaming obscenities as loud as you can helps with the pain that radiated down your leg as you exhale the demons from within and that buldging disc in your back explodes onto your siatic nerve for extra pleasure.

Bath time: If like me your tall enough to make a bath tub look like a toy your daughter uses to wash her dolls in. Then your in for a joyous time. You make the bath nice n hot because heat helps with healing. So nice hot bath, put you bad leg in first and find you have little to no strength to get into the bath. Now you have expended all your energy getting that bad leg into the hot water you can no longer get it out. So you attempt to climb in with your full weight on that bad leg. Ofcourse this is a stupid idea, a bit like attempting to order toilet roll during a Covid lock down. Things go wrong very quickly, the leg collapses and you go crashing into the bath, hot water cascades over and onto the floor. You end up in the bath, the wrong way round with a leg that is letting you know it would much rather be facing the other way and preferable not even in the bath. Its at this point you realise what a stupid idea this was. The bathing lasts seconds as your drag yourself back out only to collapse on the floor in a naked wet mess. Thankfully the floor is cold and provides a little pain relief to your leg, that is now more inflamed than it has ever been.

Yea have fun….

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