Fun with siatica.

Ha got you! There is no fun with siatica. Now siatica for those of you that don’t know is usually cased by a buldging disc in your back pushing on the siatic nerve in your lower back (can be other causes) which is a pain in the back and a most intense pain down your leg. Now if you got the lite version it will disappear in 2 weeks. You lucky b’stard. Otherwise you find yourself inside a MRI getting a spinal scan. The technician will then look at the scan in shock and ask loads of times if you alright. Then refuse to indicate the results to you but cheerfully say a specialist will contact you within 2 weeks.

5 weeks later you still won’t have been contacted and when you attempt to ring the hospital about the results your get a powerless receptionist telling you they haven’t looked at the results yet. Well that’s Ashford and St Peters hospital. Should of checked the Google reviews, its a horror hospital.

Anyhow, so you have bad siatica and want to know what fun you can have…

Sex: Even if you get the slightest bit randy the pain any movement causes will kill that thought.

Pain relief: If pain relief works for you, you don’t have real siatica! Anti inflammatory medication is thrown at you first. If you don’t get nausea and tummy cramps, your find they are about as much help as an ashtray on a motorbike. Next comes the nerve medication that was originally developed for depression. Its rubbish at curing depression and worse at helping nerve pain. What does help loads though is hemp!

Exercise: The hobble to the toilet and the screams of pain is all the exercise you will need.

Physiotherapy: Oh enjoy it! If the stretches hurt don’t do them they say. Trouble is they all fucking hurt! You get links to videos some nimble yoga guru doing “simple” stretches that you won’t be able to attempt even on a good day. Let alone a day when your leg feels like rats are chewing their way out from the inside.

Rest: Yup get some rest, now try and find a position you can sleep in without pain. No matter how you position yourself in bed, bent legs, straight legs, legs propped on pillows, one leg on the bed the other off, on your front, on your back on your side. If you get more than 10mins of uninterrupted sleep then you have found heaven.

Walking: It’s good for siatica they say. If you can walk, hell you haven’t got real siatica. The fear of walking is a sweaty mess of panic of where do I need to get too and where can I stop along the route. Stairs for example turn you into a blob that slithers up one step at a time. Usually on all fours pulling that bad leg behind you like a bloody stump, something like a wounded combatant from a Hollywood movie. Screaming fruity words with every step closer to the summit.

What’s siatica? Seriously you will need to explain this to people again and again. I got my bout of siatica from a work related injury. My boss put on the reason off sick as Sore Neck. No seriously he did, lucky HR understood what siatica was.

Ice: Your best friend will live in your freezer, you will be grabbing the biggest pack of frozen corn and using it as an ice pack on your leg. Infact your order the largest pack from the grocers home delivery service. No make that 2 packs, one can then be on your leg while the other is freezing ready for a swap over faster than an F1 team doing a tyre change.

Sneezing & Coughing: Don’t, do everything you can to not. Suck on cough sweets until your sick of them, hold a finger under your nose to stop sneezing. If you fail I find screaming obscenities as loud as you can helps with the pain that radiated down your leg as you exhale the demons from within and that buldging disc in your back explodes onto your siatic nerve for extra pleasure.

Bath time: If like me your tall enough to make a bath tub look like a toy your daughter uses to wash her dolls in. Then your in for a joyous time. You make the bath nice n hot because heat helps with healing. So nice hot bath, put you bad leg in first and find you have little to no strength to get into the bath. Now you have expended all your energy getting that bad leg into the hot water you can no longer get it out. So you attempt to climb in with your full weight on that bad leg. Ofcourse this is a stupid idea, a bit like attempting to order toilet roll during a Covid lock down. Things go wrong very quickly, the leg collapses and you go crashing into the bath, hot water cascades over and onto the floor. You end up in the bath, the wrong way round with a leg that is letting you know it would much rather be facing the other way and preferable not even in the bath. Its at this point you realise what a stupid idea this was. The bathing lasts seconds as your drag yourself back out only to collapse on the floor in a naked wet mess. Thankfully the floor is cold and provides a little pain relief to your leg, that is now more inflamed than it has ever been.

Yea have fun….

Siatica and pooping

Siatica is a bitch, if you don’t know what it is here is a quick run down. The largest nerve in your body runs the length of you spine through your hips to your feet, as well as branching off to a few other places like your arse and cock. Now that’s all well and good until one day you try and lift something too heavy or are too adventures in the bedroom (let’s try something new she said). And a disc in your spine decides to pop. Your spine you see is made out of lots of bones, you have all seen skeletons. But between them there big bones in your spine are some jelly filled discs that stop your bones grinding and also acts as a shock absorber. So yea if one slips or pops…. FUCK! Now most of the times one will slip or pop at the base of your spine, and then push on the siatic nerve.

At this point in your life you will wonder if there is a God. Why the feck did they make such a stupid arsed design flaw. As your leg or legs if your a specially unlucky bastard, decide to feel like some extra from Hellraiser is attempting to shave layers of skin off your leg while at the same time pouring boiling water on it. Everytime you move the pain just ramps up even more. BUT thats not even the fun part!

Now if you’re a fucking unlucky bastard you will get this problem one day and you will have my sympathy you unlucky crunt.

Now the pain can be so unbearable I had hallucinations of cutting my leg off with a bread knife…. why the fuck a bread knife?

Anyhow onto the topic of this post. Now not only does this pain make you instantly 101 years old in your shuffling movement around the house. It also causes every day actives like pissing and pooping almost impossible (I will add a very serious bit of info here, if your poop shoot goes numb or you get the slightest bit of incontinence go to A & E immediately! ). So there you are in the toilet, desperate for a piss, wack the old 3ft long snake out and start to piss. No sooner than starting you leg now tells you it is not enjoying standing up. It does this by amplifying the pain to such a degree you have to sit but you have already started to piss. So you stop right…. ha nah, your siatic nerve has control of the muscles you are using to piss. As soon as you try and stop mid flow a bell rings in your back and leg sending even more pain. Now you can just bite the pain stop the flow and sit and piss. Well simples yea let’s do that your mind is made up. Its all so simple in your head…

When in reality what happens is this. You try to stop pissing and fail. At the same time the pain has grown unbearable and you try and sit on the loo. Your leg has decided it will no longer bend so you tumble onto the loo with a cock that has now turned into a piss fountain and is busy covering you, your clothes and the floor is a loverly stream of warm stinky piss. It’s at this point things start to get bad.

Now the pissing is over, your body decides to tell you this is the perfect time to have a shit. Now when you have siatica there is NO perfect time to have a shit. So there you are wet with piss and your leg giving you so much pain you are praying to any God or Deity you can think off promising all sorts just to take the pain away.

The poop starts to move… you try a push and WHAM pain like you have never known hits you. As you push the muscles you use also push on the spine causing that jelly disc to push even more on your siatic nerve. So you pray gravity will do the job (it doesn’t). Now desperation starts to sink in, how the fuck am I gonna get this shit out? After all the stupid ideas (spoon, pencil, plunger) to get the shit out subside you decide your just going to push. So it goes like this, push, scream, breath. Rinse and repeat. Eventually if you’re lucky you get a satisfying splosh but if your unlucky your butt desides to suck that shit back up and you have to start all over.

The end? Hell no, the job isn’t over until the paper work is done. Now wiping your arse at this point is just as much fun. Your siatic nerve is now being aggravated even more by being squeezed on the hard toilet seat and any attempt to lift a leg to ease the task of wiping is a darn impossibility. So you think I’ll stand and wipe me arse, forgetting about the pissing and standing. You stand up and the the clingons on you poop shoot smish all over and the attemp at wiping literally turns into a shitty mess. At this point miss siatica let’s you know it’s still there and you collapse back onto the toilet with tears of pain and desperation in your eyes. You repeat this merry go round until you just don’t give a fuck.

If the devil popped up at this point and offered to make you all good again you would sign your soul over in a hartbeat! He doesn’t show, maybe he is missing a trick here? What you now do is throw your soiled clothes in the bin and put on some track suit bottoms. They are going to be all you wear in the comming weeks.

You now get you phone out and bitch about siatica on social media and no one cares but that one person that reads your post and knows. They immediately reply with “Tried having a shit yet?” Crunt…